How to Balance Authority and Kindness As A Leader | Blog

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Finding Your Leadership Edge: How to Balance Authority and Kindness

May 1, 2025

One of the biggest challenges for emerging leaders is finding the balance between being approachable and commanding authority. This is exactly what Dave, the head of strategy for a major consumer products company, was grappling with when he came to me for coaching.

Dave shared some surprising feedback from his boss: while he’s seen as smart, helpful, and a good colleague, he sometimes comes off as too nice—lacking that “bad-a**” edge. He wanted to know how to be seen as a stronger leader while still staying true to himself.

By Bill Hoogterp

The Problem: Too Nice to Be Taken Seriously

I asked Dave how his peers would describe him if I pulled them aside. He responded with traits like “smart,” “helpful,” and “nice guy”—all admirable qualities. But he recognized that what was missing was a sense of toughness and decisiveness. He wanted to be seen as a leader with gravitas and authority, not just a good colleague.

I offered him an analogy to help frame the issue: leadership is like playing in an orchestra. You can’t just rely on one instrument, no matter how good it sounds. Being an effective leader means using the full range of your personality—the complete orchestra of who you are. Growth means being willing to expand beyond your comfort zone and show different sides of yourself at work.

The Exercise: Stepping on My Foot

To make the lesson practical, I asked Dave to step on my foot. At first, he did it gently—barely applying pressure. I told him to do it harder, and even after several tries, he was still holding back. Eventually, he pushed hard enough for me to feel it. That’s when it clicked for him: his instinct to avoid discomfort was holding him back from taking strong, decisive actions.

We discussed why he held back, and he admitted that he didn’t want to cause pain or discomfort. I pointed out that this tendency—always prioritizing being agreeable—was preventing him from stepping up as a leader. In leadership, sometimes you have to make tough calls that not everyone will like. You can’t always dance around people’s feelings or tiptoe through difficult conversations.

Dancing with Confidence: How to Lead Without Fear of Missteps

I used another analogy to drive the point home: dancing. In a fast-paced environment, just like on the dance floor, stepping on toes occasionally is inevitable. The only way to guarantee never stepping on toes is not to dance at all—and that’s not an option when you’re leading. Sometimes, you have to move fast and make decisions that ruffle feathers. When it happens, you apologize and keep moving. The goal isn’t to avoid every mistake—it’s to move with confidence despite the risks.

Tips for Balancing Authority and Approachability

• Be Decisive: Practice making quick, confident decisions—even small ones—without overthinking every consequence.

• Don’t Apologize for Leadership: It’s okay to make choices that not everyone agrees with. Apologize if needed, but don’t backtrack on necessary actions.

• Embrace the Discomfort: Stepping up as a leader means accepting that some people might be uncomfortable with your decisions. That’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s part of the process.

• Broaden Your Leadership Style: Just like an orchestra needs more than one instrument, leadership requires different approaches. Don’t always play the “nice guy” violin—sometimes you need the drumbeat of authority.

Finding your leadership edge doesn’t mean losing your kindness or integrity. It means being willing to show more facets of who you are and not shying away from decisions that push others—or yourself—out of the comfort zone.

Ready to develop your leadership presence and find your edge? At LifeHikes, we offer personalized 1:1 coaching or leadership training for you and your whole team.

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